I think I’ve developed a dopamine addiction. I can’t focus anymore. Not on studying, not on reading, not even on watching a movie.
From the outside, my life looks beautiful: I have a full-time job. I study computer science at university. I have a girlfriend I love. Friends I can count on. Hobbies that light me up. Fridays are for D&D sessions. Wednesdays are for salsa and bachata with my girlfriend. Other days? I keep busy with the gym, football, and other things… but I’m honestly not studying as much as I should.
In the past few years, I’ve had some incredible travel experiences like Iceland, where I saw the Northern Lights and lived moments I never thought possible; Paris, a city full of inspiration and beauty. These trips are an important part of my life and who I am.
In the last three years, I’ve grown a lot as a web developer. My journey included working in Cairo, which challenged me and broadened my perspective, being part of tech communities, attending workshops, and connecting with people and ideas I never imagined.
The truth is, I really like how things are going, but I want more.
Not more money, not more titles, more of me in what I do.
More clarity. More presence. More purpose.
So it seems like I’m active, present, balanced. But inside, I’m afraid of being stagnant. I’m constantly distracted, stuck in loops, and tired of pretending I’m not.
Nothing holds my focus anymore, except work (because I need the money) and gambling (I know… not my proudest passion). I can’t even watch a movie without checking my phone every two minutes. I scroll while eating. I scroll while “studying”. I’ve become addicted to stimulation, and I can’t stop.
Even though I know I’m wasting time… Even though I know I’m missing the train of my life… I just can’t concentrate.
Yes, I listen to podcasts. Yes, I follow people like Mr. Rip^ and other thinkers on YouTube. But it’s passive. It’s not real progress. That’s background noise, part of the distraction. I should be studying. I should be moving forward with my degree. Instead, I’m stuck.
The worst part? A year just flew by. I haven’t passed a single exam this year. Not one. And I keep lying to myself that I’ll “catch up soon.”.
I do have some focused moments, like when neither WhatsApp notifications from my girlfriend don’t distract me; but lately, those moments have become rare.
I’ve even thought about quitting my job to go back to university physically, to restart properly with a fresh mindset.
To get into the right rhythm. To surround myself with students.
But the truth is: I’m scared.
Scared to lose financial stability.
Scared to fall behind.
Scared to give up on the “big opportunities” I might reach if I stay where I am.
Scared that if I let go of this rope, I’ll fall.
I’ve been trying to break the cycle for over a month. But the distractions are relentless. Hell, I’m losing focus even while writing this. C’MON ANDREA, WAKE UP.
I started this blog hoping to share my thoughts, but this ended up being the first real post. I wanted to write an introduction, a proper start… instead, this is what came out.
I’ve been thinking about it for weeks.
Writing it. Not writing it.
Then rewriting it in my head while scrolling Instagram for no reason.
Obsessing over it so much that writing it now feels like the only way to move on.
To actually publish it, to let it go and put it into reality.
Because I need to see it. I need to admit it.
I know this didn’t start overnight. It crept in slowly: one scroll, one skipped task, one dopamine hit at a time. And I know it won’t disappear with one blog post either.
But this post is my first punch back. A small act of resistance. A promise, not to the world, but to myself. A way to put something real online and maybe, just maybe, hold myself accountable.
And yet… my life isn’t empty. But inside, I feel like I’m drifting.
There’s a quote^ that’s been echoing in my mind:
“Most people don’t fail because of a lack of talent. They fail because of a lack of endurance.”
And that’s it. That’s where I am. I’m moving, I’m working, I’m trying… but I’m not heading anywhere clear.
I don’t want this kind of life. I want to build something that matters. I want to look at myself five years from now and say, “You didn’t give up.”
Because I do have big dreams. I want to work for something world-changing, like Google or something even greater. Something meaningful. Something that makes me feel alive. Not because of the name, but because I know there’s value inside me. There’s fire, flickering but there. I don’t want to let it die without ever really trying.
But that won’t happen if I keep burning time.
Maybe I’m not afraid of failing. Maybe I’m just afraid of disappointing the part of me that knows I could become something more. If I just stopped. If I just focused. If I just tried… for real.
So I’m starting here. With this. A messy, honest post on a blog no one’s reading yet. But it’s real. It’s a line in the sand. A promise to myself, in front of the whole world: Wake the f**ck up, Andrea.
If you read this far… thanks. Maybe this was for you too. If you’re not reading this, it’s still worth saying. Because maybe, for the first time in a while, I’m finally starting to listen to myself.
More posts coming soon…when I stop scrolling and start building again.
Hungry to learn, stubborn enough to try, and honest enough to say when I’m lost.
Andrea, a Polite Dev